The Final Word Less One - on any subject anywhere any time that the author finds interesting -

Friday, September 2, 2011

Let's Paper Over This Controversy

A correspondent has begged for a FINALword ruling on an issue so fraught, so controversial that most angels dare not tread and even the devil hesitates. The two warring sides are so far apart that the Dalai Lama, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, the Pope and George Bush Senior would not be able to bring about a reconciliation even if they tried.

To put the matter simply: when placed on the holder, should bathroom tissue hang out or face the wall?

In my extensive research which spanned the entire globe and all the wisdom of the ancients (or at least as much of it available under a single Google search), I found that the overwhelming majority of internet pundits favor letting bathroom tissue hang out as represented by this very serious person's scientific study:

The science of this study is incontestable. The over position or "hanging out" wins hands down and is preferred by the vast majority of current pundits.

Notwithstanding, the vocal minority of the Up-Against-The-Wall School assert (because they are a pain in the butt they HAVE to assert) that their position is favored by God. They also maintain that America's Founding Fathers all preferred the Against the Wall approach. This is the Gee Oh Pee dogma.

Despite an overwhelming majority, the "Let It All Hang Out" or Demo-craps just can't find a way to work with the Gee Oh Pees. I call on people of good will from all sides of this debate to see reason, otherwise this great country is doomed to go down the toilet.


Rebecca McFarland Kyle said...

WRONG! Up against the wall is more fiscally responsible. The TP is rationed automatically when it's throttled down. Further, there is much less "trickle down" of excess paper. Finally, cats and children cannot roll the paper down as easily.

Ellen Mizell said...

Yes, but cats and children need toilet paper also, RMK. Especially cats who need something soft to shred...far better it be the TP rather then human shins.

Rebecca McFarland Kyle said...

Ellen, I'll remind you of this when you come to visit and you have to figure out where I have HIDDEN the TP since I can't put it on the wall the right way.

Ellen Mizell said...

Back in the day when all we had was the Sears & Roebuck catalog, this nation was more united!